Lackin' to Attackin'
by Savagely74
Summary: Scout, on a usual streak of killing, is forced to make do with whatever after having his primary gun break. Follow Scout's short adventures as he uses multiple weapons throughout the story until getting another primary gun. This story was made for the 72 hour TF2 Jam and will be submitted as such.


**LACKIN' TO ATTACKIN'**

The Administrator started the countdown. The mercs, stationed at Teufort, prepared and equipped what they wanted, with all of them seemingly anxious to leave the Teufort Spawn Rooms. The RED Team held out their powerful hands for their teammates to backflip off of, Heavy throwing out sandviches he had perfectly crafted, and some even started to dance. Soon, the Administrator said, "Stay alert, RED Team! Your mission starts in 30 seconds." The RED Team stopped dancing and fooling around as they stood at the door, ready to launch off in different directions.

"Ok, let do this!" Scout said, blatantly cocky.

"Ja! Heavy! I am charged. Vhen we move out towards the middle platform, there vill be enemies. There always are. Give me the word and I shall uber you before you can say, 'Eingehend!'" Medic told Heavy.

"Please, Doctor. BLU team are babies. Ubercharge might not be needed." Heavy joked.

"Those pansies are gonna get an American boot straight up the ass from all of us!" Soldier proudly yelled.

"...Uh, aye, Soldier." Demoman said, being kind enough to not correct Soldier.

"Pyro. Do ya think y'all can help me set up down at the base? Ain't tryin' to become no rat-like Spy's pincushion." Engineer said to Pyro.

As Pyro nodded his head, Spy had looked Engineer.

"No offense." Engineer said, rubbing his neck.

"Just be glad the Spy you'll be facing isn't me, mon coéquipier." Spy replied.

Just then, the gates flew open.

"Charge!" Soldier screamed.

The RED Team flooded out of spawn. Scout jumped on top of the structure in the middle of the battlefield, Soldier, Demoman, Heavy, and Medic followed down below, Sniper took aim near the spawn, Spy cloaked himself and ran below the bridge, and Engineer and Pyro protected their intel. The BLU Team soon came out of spawn and headed into battle. Their first Sniper was the first to become prey to RED Sniper's bullet. The second was quickly shot down by Scout, who soon took off towards the enemy intelligence.

The BLU Soldier tried to fend off his attackers on the bridge as the Engineer built a sentry. With a rocket blessed with a random critical, Soldier took out the level 1 sentry and the BLU Engineer. Heavy, Demoman, and Medic quickly deposed of the BLU Soldier and proceeded to enter the BLU Base. Spy snuck all the way through the sewers of the enemy base and headed up towards their intelligence. He saw Scout stuck as there was a level 3 sentry awaiting a foe to slaughter.

Spy disguised himself and snuck into the intel room. After decloaking, he placed his sapper on the sentry, allowing for Scout to rush in and take the intel.

"Thanks, pal!" Scout thanked Spy, running off.

Spy was then hit once by a wrench. On the second swing, the BLU Engineer had missed, allowing Spy to spin around him and backstab him. Spy sapped the BLU Engie's teleporter and dispenser soon after and left. Scout ran as fast as he could, avoiding most damage. He made it out to the middle of the map.

The entire BLU Team was on his tail. Heavy, Demoman, Medic, and Sniper covered Scout as he got away. He rushed towards their intel room and capped the intel. He ran off into the BLU base after exiting his own base. The BLU Scout rushed towards him with a bat.

"This is what ya get for touching our shit, punk!" BLU Scout shouted.

RED Scout countered with his own bat. They both started swing their bats at each other, colliding with only each others' bats multiple times. RED Scout pulled out a pistol and shot BLU Scout in the knee. BLU Scout grabbed his knee in pain. RED Scout swung his bat, hitting BLU Scout dead in the head.

BLU Scout fell over. RED Scout shot the opposing Scout several times with his Scattergun and reloaded, running off to the BLU's intel again. This time, he found an enemy Pyro guarding the intel. Scout entered and got a good shot off, dealing a great deal of damage to the Pyro. The BLU Pyro chased after Scout as Scout had ran off after shooting the Pyro.

Scout circles around and meatshots the BLU Pyro twice, killing him. Scout grabs the intel and runs off. Just as he leaves the base, a BLU Heavy grabs him and lifts him into the air.

"So baby thinks he can run off?! Here is lesson for you!" BLU Heavy yelled.

"Help!" Scout shouted.

Luckily for him, Sniper headshotted the enemy Heavy.

"There ya go. Now stay outta trouble, ya little mongrel " Sniper said to himself.

Just then, Sniper hears a decloak and turns around. An enemy Spy, holding the Ambassador, aimed at the Sniper's head.

"Time to rid this world of another camper." BLU Spy said.

Scout saw the Sniper in trouble and smacked his baseball up into the air. It smashed into the BLU Spy's head, stunning him. Sniper pulled out his Tribalman's Shiv and slashed at the enemy Spy. The enemy Spy ran off, but soon died from the bleed damage. Scout continued to run towards his intel room, eventually making it.

The score was 2-0 within the first several minutes of the game. With BLU Team now pinned down at the spawn and while Scout is destroying exposed buildings the BLU Engineer builds, BLU Team has no hope of winning. Scout captures the last briefcase, ending the match in the top three highest scores, with the other 2 being Medic and Demoman. The RED Team cheered at their base, celebrating the victory during their intermission.

"Woohoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! A blowout!" Scout shouts.

"Jawohl, Herr Scout. We had BLU beat!" Medic confirms.

"Great job all around, men!" Soldier said.

"Aye. With our teamwork, those wee bampots didn't stand a chance!" Demoman said, chugging his usual scrumpy.

"Alright, mates. Ya can stop with this mushy shite already. BLU wasn't even a challenge. I've fought poodles with more effort than them." Sniper chuckled.

"You'll get challenge soon, Sniper. Think of this as just practice." Heavy says.

"That's all they were to me. Well, hardly. I could've beaten all by myself just from flexing these monsters!" Scout boasted, pointing at his arms.

"Ha! My mama could beat you, Scout, and he is elderly." Heavy laughed.

"..Well, I guess I'd have ta' thank my gun." Scout said, looking around the room.

Scout looked and looked but couldn't find it.

"Did you lose something, Scout?" Medic asked.

"Where the hell is my Scattershot?" Scout asked everyone.

"Is that it?" Spy asked, pointing behind the large lockers the mercs were given.

Scout saw the butt of his Scattershot sticking out.

"Yep, that's her alright! I'd know that butt from..anywhere..." Scout said, as he pulled a broken piece of the Scattershot out from behind the lockers.

"Hm. How unfortunate." Spy said, slightly monotone.

"Tammy, no!" Scout yelled.

"Tammy? What in tarnation?" Engineer asked, clearly baffled by the name Scout had given his gun.

"You...named your weapon?" Soldier asked, hiding a mocking smile.

"Yes! What happened to Tammy?!" Scout exclaimed, on his knees.

"Oh, Scout, pick your self up, lad. It's just a gun." Demoman said.

"Wrong." Heavy said.

"Who did this? She was in perfect condition!" Scout shouted.

"Did you take Tammy on date before this?" Heavy asked.

"Well...a couple times in Borneo and Well...I was kinda killin' some punks there." Scout said, hesitantly.

"Just like me and Sasha." Heavy whispered.

"Ok, look. Let's just get back on track-" Spy tried to say before being interrupted.

"Do you use protection?" Heavy asked.

"She **WAS** my protection!" Scout cried out.

"Stop! Forget about this..Veird..gun sex thing! Vhat are you going to do now, Scout?" Medic said, clearly uncomfortable.

"I-I don't know! She was the only primary I had!" Scout yelled.

"Free 2 Plays..." Sniper mumbled.

"Well, you're gonna have to find yourself another weapon." Engineer stated.

"Wait, what if I call Miss Pauling and ask her to fix Tammy? Yeah, yeah! That'll work!" Scout said, picking up the phone attached to the wall.

Scout dialed Miss Pauling's secret number and called her.

"Hello, Scout? What do you want? I'm kinda busy." Miss Pauling answered.

"He needs you to fix his Tammy!" Heavy says, taking the phone from Scout.

"He what?! God, am I going to have to file another restraining order?!" Miss Pauling asked in disgust.

"Miss Pauling, don't listen to him. My gun broke and I need a replacement. Got any Scatterguns lyin' around?" Scout explained.

"Well, no. Actually I don't." Miss Pauling said.

"Well..can ya buy one?" Scout asked.

"That's a negative. Administrator just cut my weapon spending budget in half. Apparently, buying crates of random weapons that turn out to be duplicates wasn't a good idea." Miss Pauling said.

"What?! But I don't have a primary! What am I gonna do?!" Scout yelled.

"Improvise. Or just ask one of the others for a gun." Miss Pauling said.

Miss Pauling hung up. Scout placed the phone back on the wall and turned around.

"Soo...Anyone wanna give your neighborhood Scout a gun for a little while?" Scout nervously asked.

Most replied the same: Nah. No! Nein. Only Heavy and Demoman offered Scout any weapons.

"All my primarys are too big for little Scout. Maybe I can offer...a shotgun." Heavy said, looking through his stash of weapons.

"A shotgun, huh? Too weak." Scout responded.

"Ok..How about I give you Sandvich?" Heavy asked.

"A Sandvich ain't gonna obliterate my foes, Dum-Dum." Scout said, rudely.

"Then ask Demoman for weapon. My arsenal is not right for you." Heavy told Scout, walking off.

Scout walked over to Demoman, who was chugging his bottles of posion.

"Ahh! That's good Scrumpy!" Demoman stated out loud.

"Yo, Demo! I got a favor ta' ask." Scout said.

"You want one of my weapons, eh? Well, lad, I'm not sure explosive fightin' is your forte, but I got some melee weapons just lyin' aboot. Cannae promise that you'll find anything belter." Demoman said.

Scout searched around in the piles of beer bottles and cabers. He found a couple of golf clubs and two swords. One of those swords had caught Scout's attention.

"Hey hey, what about this sword?" Scout asked Demoman, holding up The Half-Zatoichi.

"Good eye, lad. That there is a Half-Zatoichi. That just may help ye in combat." Demoman said.

"So I can use it?" Scout asked excitedly.

"Aye. Go for it." Demoman said.

"Thanks, Cyclops." Scout said, taking the sword.

"Oh, just watch out for anyone else with a Half-Zatoichi. It's a one hit kill if you get hit by it." Demoman warned Scout.

The Administrator annouced that the next match would begin in 60 seconds. Scout decided to bring a Crit-A-Cola along with him to get more devastating kills. When the minute passed, the RED and BLU Team flooded out of their spawn and in to position.

"Alright, Half-Zetochi sword. Wait, 'Half-Zetochi'? That can't be it. Half-Zatachi? Half-Zetoichia? Half-Zetokai? Wait, no! Half-Zatoichi! Yeah! That's the name. Let's see what you can do." Scout said, mispronouncing the name of the weapon.

Scout ran through the middle of the map, as ballsy as ever, gunning straight towards the BLU Base. Scout was met by 2 BLU Scouts as soon as he entered the base. Scout, with several swipes of the Half-Zatoichi, introduced them to Tom Jones. Scout ran all the way into thethe BLU intel room, with Heavy and Medic following. Scout grabbed the intel, but was shot in the back by an enemy Engineer.

"Ow, fuck!" Scout shouted.

The Engineer held the shotgun above Scout's face.

"Y'all just made the biggest mistake of ya life, son." Engineer said

Just then, Heavy and Medic rushed in.

"Scout!" Heavy shouted.

Heavy was about to fire his gun until he heard the Medic shout, "Heavy, sentry behind us!" Heavy turned around, now focused on the sentry, began to windup his gun. The BLU Engineer ran up to Heavy and bashed a wrench against his head. Heavy fell down, unconscious.

"That's what ya get!" BLU Engineer said.

Medic, who destroyed the sentry turned back around. He was about to charge at the BLU Engineer, but was grabbed by another BLU Engineer.

"Gotcha!" The other BLU Engineer said.

The first BLU Engineer held his gun up at Medic.

"Any last words, Dr. Mengele?" BLU Engineer joked.

"You know, zhat is very offensive, redneck!" Medic shouted.

Scout groaned and got up.

"Well, I do have something to say...G!" Medic said.

"What?" BLU Engineer asked.

Scout looked confused.

"G!" Medic continued.

"Now that's just sad. Y'all been reduced to sayin' the alphabet." BLU Engineer laughed.

"Press G, goddamnit!" Medic yelled.

Scout finally got what he was talking about. Scout stood up, walked up to the BLU Engineer, swung his sword around and was about to finish the taunt kill.

"Hey, look out!" The other BLU Engineer said, pointing behind the first BLU Engineer.

The first BLU Engineer turned around and was decapitated by Scout. Medic broke out of the other BLU Engineer's grasp and stabbed him with his Ubërsaw.

"Wow! Nice work." Scout said.

"Ja! It's time to go! Schnell! I can hear BLU coming!" Medic said, healing Heavy and then Scout.

Scout, Heavy and Medic ran towards the stairs, but heard the entire BLU Team approaching.

"I am charged! Let's mow them down, mein grober freund!" Medic said.

"Is too many men, Medic! I can't kill them all in enough time!" Heavy said.

Scout had an idea.

"Medic, when I get up there, I want you to ubër me." Scout said.

"You cannot be serious!" Medic said in disbelief.

"Just trust me." Scout said, running up the stairs.

Medic followed and ubërcharged Scout. Scout drank the Crit-A-Cola and whipped out his sword. He began slicing through enemy Soldiers, Spys, Medics, Demomen, Heavys, and more, one by one. Heavy gave support by helping to destroy the sentries that were focused on the invincible pair. Just as the ubërcharge ended, Scout had buried his sword in an enemy Soldier.

"See? Told ya." Scout said, out of breath.

"Excellent job, Herr Scout. Let's take this intelligence back to our base." Medic said.

With that said, Scout had capped the intelligence and, with Heavy and Medic's help, capped the intelligence 2 more times. RED had won. Scout, who was going to go back to spawn to celebrate, was ambushed by a BLU Scout. The BLU Scout smacked the RED Scout up the head with his bat and took the sword.

"Thanks, palsy! Now I can get that sweet, sweet blind date our Spy said he would set up if I got this crap for him." BLU Scout said as he ran away.

When Scout regained consciousness, he awoke to a Medic standing over him.

"Oh, good. You're alive." Medic said.

"What the bloodly hell happened?" Sniper asked.

"Ambushed...by a BLU Scout." Scout said, standing up.

"Where's that sword I gave ye?" Demoman asked.

"The fucker took it. I'm sorry, Cyclops." Scout said.

"Ah, don't fret. Just be glad it was a sword I got from a timed drop that ya lost." Demoman said.

"Well, what am I gonna do now? I ain't got a primary now!" Scout said.

"Don't worry, Scout. I rustled up some parts and some new tech and made you another gun. A special one, she is." Engineer said.

"Made me a gun? Well, thanks, but how long was I out for?" Scout said.

"Vell, nearly a year, since the blow to your head vas very severe. Hell, you vere close to death by the time I vas operating on you. After you were stable, I decided to just let you rest instead of healing you completely. Constant healing from the medigun can give you anything from back pains to temporary blindness to HPV, so I decided to be ever so kind and save you from irritation later on. Medic said.

"A year?!" Scout asked, shocked at how long it had been.

"It would have been around several weeks to 2 months if some dummkoff didn't keep dropping you." Medic said.

"I told you, his head was slick with some substance! I couldn't get a good grip on him." Soldier retorted.

"It was blood, Soldier! And I told you to not grab him by the head." Medic said.

"Wait, ubërcharge gives HPV?" Heavy asked.

"No, just healing through the medigun. Ubërcharge actually negates the effects." Medic said.

"Then why not heal me and then ubër me?" Scout asked.

"Because, Herr Scout, the more I ubërcharge, the more this pack is internally damaged and it takes forever to make another one. The ubërcharge could stop working as soon as we enter the battle field and I vouldn't know until the next time I try to use it." Medic explains.

"He's right." Engineer said, shaking his head.

"Why were we never told this?" Sniper asked.

"It brings too much worry on my patients." Medic says.

"Alright, back to the gun thing. Engie, you said you made me a gun, right? Were is it?" Scout asked.

Engineer whipped out a gun from behind him.

"Here it is. I call it the Dual Gravity Cannon." Engineer said.

The Dual Gravity Cannon

Class: Scout  
Slot: Primary  
Desc: A gun that shoots special D.G.C pellets that forces the enemy away and slightly into the air. It can juggle enemies in the air or provide an offensive push the likes of which Red Team hasn't seen for years.

(+) 30% More Damage when fired up close  
(+) 20% Max Health  
(+) Each jump is doubled in height  
(+) 15% More Healing from health packs  
(+) Pushes enemies away and slightly into the air when fired up close  
(-) 50% Slower Switch-to and from speed  
(-) Dispensers do not give ammo to any of your weapons while this weapon is equipped  
(-) 15% Less damage dealt with all weapons while this weapon is equipped from far distances  
(-) 20% More Damage dealt to self from fall damage  
(-) No random critical hits

"She's a real beaut, provides great offense, and is named Irene." Engineer said.

"It's great! Thanks Engie!" Scout said.

Just then, the RED Spy took the gun from Scout and ran off. Scout yelled and ran after him, followed by the whole team.

"What are ya doing, Spy?!" Scout yelled.

Scout whipped out a pistol and shot Spy's leg. Spy stopped running and dropped his disguise. He was revealed to actually be a BLU Spy.

"What the? Enemy Spy, guys! Enemy Spy!" Scout shouted.

"Sorry, but I can't let you have such a powerful weapon. BLU Team would benefit from this. Now if you would excuse me, I'm off to set up a date for our Scout and your mother!" BLU Spy laughed.

Just then, the BLU Spy fell down with a bullet hole in his head.

"Gotcha, ya rat!" Sniper said.

Scout held a thumbs up to Sniper and retrieved his gun.

"Bonjour, Scout. What did I miss?" Red Spy said as he entered.

Scout aimed at the Spy.

"Did you just dead ringer?" Scout asked.

Spy looked over to the BLU Spy corpse.

"What? No! I've been gone all this week! Who the hell is that?" Spy asked.

Scout shot at Spy's foot, blowing it off. Spy screamed.

"You're not tricking me, BLU Spy!" Scout yelled.

Medic ran towards Spy.

"Vait, Herr Scout! That's our Spy!" Medic said, healing Spy.

"What. The. FUCK!" Spy shouted at Scout.

"Oh god, sorry Spy." Scout said.

"There. All healed. Do tell me if your back or groin hurts, though." Medic said.

"What is going on?!" Spy asked.

"There was an enemy Spy among our ranks." Soldier said.

"Where were you?" Scout asked.

"I left a message on my locker saying I was going on vacation with...someone you don't need to know for several days." Spy said.

"We didn't see no darn message. Must've been the BLU Spy's doing." Engineer said.

Miss Pauling, arriving with a gun, called out for Scout.

"Scout, I got that Scattergun you wanted. Thank me later." Miss Pauling said.

"Uh, well thanks, but no thanks. I got a gun already. A keeper, really." Scout said.

"Wha?" Miss Pauling asked.

"Engie ma-" Scout was saying until he was interrupted by Engineer.

"He found a replacement from someone. Long story short, Scout got himself a gun, wasting your time." Engineer said, before walking back to spawn.

"Scout. I had to sell one of my own precious, antique guns to get this for you and Hale doesn't do refunds. Do you know what this means?!" Miss Pauling said, getting more and more angry by the second.

"You...get a Scattershot that'll do wonders for you?" Scout asked nervously.

Miss Pauling's eye twitched as she loaded the Scattershot.

"In a way, yes." Miss Pauling said, aiming the gun at Scout.

"Oh shit!" Scout said, running away from Miss Pauling's wrath.

As Scout and Miss Pauling ran from the base, Sniper grabbed Spy's shoulder.

"When are ya gonna tell Jeremy the truth?" Sniper asked.

Spy sighed.

"Not looking forward to it, but soon. Soon.." Spy said, walking to the spawn room...

 _And with that, the team, excluding Scout was preparing for the next match..._

 **THE END?**


End file.
